System #14: Trust is First Given

We've all been told that trust is something that we earn. And I'm here to tell you that that's misleading. Trust isn't something that's earned, it's something that's given. What? Why would I just give trust to someone if they're not deserving?...let's take a look at an analogy...

Trust isn't something that's earned, it's something that's given.

A Car Analogy

Imagine; you're 16, and you've just gotten your driver's license. You're in the car with an aunt, or uncle, someone who has never seen you drive or learn, and you ask them if you can drive. They, unfortunately, don't trust you, or your skills because you're young and they've never seen you drive. So they want you to earn their trust. The problem is:

1. You don't have a car to show them that you can actually drive
2. Time takes a long time to pass by

So you try to convince them, you try to tell them about how you were the best driver in driving school, and how you won an award for safest driver, and how your parents wished they had been this good at driving when they were your age. You may hit on something that opens that door in your aunt or uncles heart and makes them trust you. Maybe they were convinced by your awards and accomplishments, maybe they were convinced by someone else's judgement of you (someone they already trust). Any way you slice it though, you did not, and will not earn their trust unless you have another vehicle that you can demonstrate your skills with.

They don't trust you....So you try to convince them

A Locker Analogy

Let's look at another analogy. Let's imagine you believe that your community is dangerous and filled with crime (whether true or not), so you take your belongings and lock them in a locker everyday, you don't trust ANYONE to look out for them. What's wonderful, is your belongings might be safe, for a LONG time, or maybe someone finds a way to break into the locker (or steals the key). But for now, let's imagine your belongings are super safe; like Fort Knox. You carry on with your life, continuing to believe that your community can't be trusted. Each day, you reinforce that concept, and each day, you become more and more isolated. You never get a chance to see, through experience, what or whom you can trust.

Taking our armor down and being able to be hurt is what actually allows trust to be built

Vulnerability

What's actually needed to build trust is for the party needing to trust, to be vulnerable enough to allow the other to earn their trust. It requires a leap of faith. It requires the aunt or uncle to give the kid a chance to drive or opportunity to display their skills, or for the locker to be unused and your belongings watched by someone else. Taking our armor down and being able to be hurt is what actually allows trust to be built. The good thing is that so many things we do everyday actually slowly build trust:

1. Meeting a person for lunch (will they show up? Be on time?)
2. Ordering from a business or restaurant (will I get scammed? Get food poisoning?)
3. Being a passenger in a car, or plane (will we crash?)
4. Being on the road, as a passenger or the driver (will the people around me pay attention?)
5. Receiving payment (will this money be worth something tomorrow?)

We just don't realize it.

Control

Some of us, unfortunately, are much more averse to losing control; to be able to be harmed. We've learned, throughout our lives that the world is dangerous and that the more control we have, the safer we are. We forget that what we control, controls us. We forget that our anxiety, and stress are built up on the shoulders of our control. Imagine instead of needing to make everything the way we want it ourselves, we started to build trust and surrounded ourselves with a community of people whom we could actually trust. A community of people that we don't need to control to make things right. People who want to get their projects done on time, or will watch our kids, or drive our kids, or we can lend money to, or actually be in an intimate relationship with...

We've learned...the more control we have, the safer we are. We forget that what we control, controls us.

Relationship

Ah, there's the rub. How many relationships are more like business partnerships with both sides keeping the other party from misbehaving not by being surrounded by innocence, kindness, and love, but by having the upper hand? By having something that we hold on to "just in case." We all seek intimacy, but rarely allow it in. We hold back our weaknesses afraid it'll serve as fodder for the other's assaults when we disagree or their emotions take hold. We forget we cannot build intimacy without vulnerability. And wherever people are vulnerable, trust can be built...or, unfortunately, abuses can follow. Our strength comes with our ability to walk away, to seek the greener pastures of reciprocation. But I'd implore you to be the first to open your armor, if only just a smidge. As vulnerability (trust), in those that deserve it, is met with vulnerability (trust). This "weakness" serves as a filter for your reality drawing you closer to the people who would share it, and exposing the ones would would abuse it.

We forget we cannot build intimacy without vulnerability

A Story

In Mexico, I attended a Tantra workshop with my then girlfriend. Get your mind out of the gutter, though, it wasn't that level of Tantra workshop, it was honestly quite PG, but so informative. At the end of the workshop, we were divided into our elements (based on our astrological signs) and were tasked with creating a shrine to our elements and creating a 5min correographed dance. I, up till then, didn't trust people's ideas of what was beautiful, or acceptable, so I took control of the design of the shrine. Once that was done, we had 15 minutes to come up with a correography. This was going to be bad, how could 8 people decide on a course of action, AND practice that decision in 15 minutes. I noticed myself wanting to take control again. But surprisingly, this time, I felt the constriction that came with my fear, my desire to control, and decided to open up to the possibility of something better than I could imagine myself.

I had heard the idea of improv recently and loved the idea that during improv, you never say "no," but instead, "yes, and..." That "yes" acknowledges your partners contribution, and the "and" allows you to add your own. Voila, cocreation!

So I started the discussion (since I could sense a huge amount of hesitation by the group) with the qualities of our element; air. From those qualities, props were chosen, and movements were proposed. It, honestly, was pretty straight forward to that point, but then someone mentioned that we should pay homage to the four directions [of the wind]. So I volunteered to stand in the middle of this dance of wind and feathers and face each direction and bow.

Whew...crisis averted...but life wasn't done yet.

That same person mentioned that it couldn't just be a man, but it would behoove us to have both masculine and feminine energy represented so she would join me. "When would we change directions and bow?" I asked, afraid. "We'll just feel it out." She responded.

Oh boy...

So there we were, presenting our dance. We started facing each other, and bowed. Then turned 90 degrees. I could still see her from my peripheral, and bowed when I sensed movement, then turned. Now we were facing away from each other and I just had to trust. I just had to trust her, trust my instincts, but most of all trust that everything would be okay. After the celebration I asked others what happened, and it turned out we both bowed at the EXACT same time! This dance "won" us the title of the best correography which our whole team, having had contributed their ideas, were all so proud of.

Conclusion

Now, I'm sure you can tell as much, or maybe even more than I, how riddled my story is with my control issues. But at that time, that simple act was the most I had done. I had never openly trusted someone, much less a group of people. And unsurprisely, hadn't ever felt truly intimate with my girlfriends up till then, or I would learn, even with my friends. People were merely pawns that I used for my own gains, to be moved around to gain the upper hand. My relationships were logical, rational, useful and/or necessary.

While control can create the illusion of trust, it is a trust that always requires an input of energy; mental, physical, or socio-political. It's a trust that is short lived, constantly on the brink of eroding; for as soon as the chains are broken, the trust is lost.

While control can create the illusion of trust...it's a trust that is short lived, constantly on the brink of eroding

Real trust forms the building blocks of our relationships, our partnerships, teams, and communities. But trust, starts with vulnerability. Trust starts with someone else having the ability to harm us, but choosing not too, over and over and over again. In (hopefully) increasing measure. But I ask myself, if vulnerability allows me to trust others, and control makes me fear others. In a weird twisted way, safety and security (and peace) come to us on the other side of the ability to be hurt and the fear that precedes that. But what can they hurt? (Let's put aside death for a moment and focus on the intangibles). What treasures are you hiding? What persona, or brand are you trying to protect? What armor do you carry with you that keeps you from forging those relationships that calm the mind and raise the spirit? Those friendships that cause you joy and surprise, and the warm feeling of being supported by someone else. Someone whom you trust.