System #21: Boundaries
We've all heard that in Eastern philosophies, "we are one": the earth has nutrients, the plants transform them, giving a place for animals and insects, all of which we're sustained by. Our world, our universe, and everything inside of it is caught in an inter-relational field that affects everything, and everyone. Another layer of this interconnectedness is our connection to the divine—or, more often, our perceived separation from it. Holding these concepts in my mind, I began to try to understand how I keep myself from being one with everything. If we're all one, should we even have boundaries? Do we even need them? Why are we defending ourselves from others? How am I defending myself from others?
While flipping a house with my brother and always seemingly in a disagreement. I set out to figure out the source of this issue. I began to notice how I don't trust others (even though I thought I did). I began to notice how there was a David, and there was a them; whatever else was outside of me.
The first thing I decided to try was to believe that he was always right. Instead of getting caught up in a disagreement, I would let him win. I'd let him express his view, and that would be the direction that we would take. So I suppressed my own perspective, letting go of what I thought was right and deferring entirely to his plan. Who was I to think I was right in the first place?
But as the weeks went by, I noticed things that didn’t sit well with me—things I felt were going wrong. I stayed silent, trying my best to trust him, yet no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't silence that voice inside me. After two weeks of my experiment, and noticing that our relationship wasn't getting any better, I spoke up.
We fought.
I started thinking, "Maybe I'm the one who's confrontatious?" I'd been told that plenty in my life. "Maybe my soul is confrontatious?" Maybe I just make my brother fight instead of collaborating like I assume he can with others. Maybe I'm bringing the energy to it somehow? Was there a way to quiet my soul, to stop this endless conflict?
A short tangent: about 10 years ago, on my second solo trip, I had done this practice in Peru, on Machu Picchu where we'd gone up on a rock, turned and faced each mountain surrounding Machu Picchu, opened our arms, and opened our hearts to them. Apparently, those other mountains are the holy ones, not Machu Picchu itself. Seeing everyone else stand on that rock, and start feeling emotional, I started thinking this was kind of stupid. When my turn came, I, however, decided to give it my best. I got up there, and just imagined my heart opening up to this inanimate object. I felt it, I saw it. I really saw it. In awe, in wonder, in appreciation, in gratitude. I sobbed. This had been the first time I had felt vulnerable. The first time that I had opened my heart up. Opened myself up to anything. It felt so good.
That feeling. That pure surrender, that pure openess, I've practiced many times since. Whenever I've felt stuck in my life, I've practiced this. I've practiced this towards life. This time, however, I decided to do this towards my brother. I decided to let down my barriers, whatever they were. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to help our relationship. Maybe I needed to go deeper, maybe I needed to remove all my barriers? Completely. I decided to make myself naked to life...in whatever way my brain and whatever it can control would understand. I wanted to become one with life.
Over the next several weeks the strangest things started happening. I got a nasal infection, poison ivy, chiggers, diarrhea and even got bit by a brown recluse spider! My shin ballooned to look like I was smuggling a softball. He, however, didn't get a thing but our relationship changed. Seeing how I couldn't defend myself, he started to protect me.
In a weird turn of events, nature, helped me realize that we need boundaries. The very act of being alive is creating a separation between what's inside of you, and what's outside of you, physically. If that boundary were to be removed, all of life would be attracted to your nutrients and recycle them into something else. Boundaries push things away. Insects can't eat you because you're keeping them out. The weather can't affect you because you've built a shelter/house around you. Your neighbor can't come over whenever they please because you've (sadly) locked the door. You've claimed your domain as yours and you defend it.
However, claiming that domain puts you at odds with anything or anyone who would be moved to have it. Anyone whose desires exist on the other side of that domain. Why had my brother and I joined forces? Was I now just too weak to pose a threat? Was I usually too threatening? Were we too prideful? Or were our boundaries just at odds with one another, dooming us to a life of eternal conflict?
Relationships
All of life has boundaries, and whenever boundaries are crossed it leads to abuse. Those boundaries are crossed not only because the perpetrator was too strong, but also because the victim was too weak. Boundaries work both ways. If the force outside the boundary is stronger than the force inside the boundary, that line will be breeched.
In nature, this principle is clear. Life creates, and life consumes. A plant grows leaves, which a caterpillar eats. At first glance, the plant seems defenseless, but it isn’t. Sensing the attack, the plant begins producing tannins—chemical defenses that make its leaves less palatable and ultimately toxic if consumed in large quantities. Over time, the caterpillar, tasting the change, moves on. The plant has successfully defended its boundary.
This interplay of force and adaptation exists not only in nature but also within human relationships. We, too, have boundaries. Yet, our boundaries can become blurred when driven by unmet desires. We seek connection, intimacy, love, or validation, and in our longing, we sometimes lower our standards—our boundaries.
Think of a time we wanted a job, one where we believed in a company's values, where we enjoyed our colleagues and respected our boss, yet here we are, seeing our company as hypocrites, constantly complaining about our boss. We tell ourselves, “At least I have that one friend at work,” as if that justifies staying in a situation that violates our inner standards. We, unlike plants, are able to move, to be where we need to be. We have the ability of removing ourselves from situations that violate those standards. However, violating those standards doesn't only come from outside of us, it can also come from within.
Think of that time you were looking for relationship, one where you wanted someone who was genuinely kind, giving, and loving. Someone who had humility, yet had a direction in life. Someone who wanted to be with us, and us with them. Yet, there we were, settling for the first person to give us any attention regardless of these other factors because we've incorrectly deduced, seeing all our friends around us in relationships, that we're the problem. That our standards are too high for what we're offering, for who we are. We end up letting anyone through that boundary just to feel worthy, valued, wanted. We make sure that we live up to whatever they've wanted, or what we've been told we should be in a relationship. Yet we never really wanted to be in that relationship to begin with, we just wanted someone to be pleased with us. So we give ourselves away. Little by little. One small boundary after another. We learn that sexually satisfying them makes us feel desirable, lovable. It fills that hole were had been feeling...if only for a moment. But as we feel ourselves overriding our boundaries, we expect our partner to do the same. Little by little, we build up a geyser of resentment. Little by little, that resentment builds.
After a while, even if our partner is a good person, our relationship devolves into fighting, or apathy. You want to get out but you're scared no one else will want you, or desire you like they have. Standing on your own is scary. "At least the sex is good," you say. You've got one foot in but the rest of you is looking for someone else to show any interest in you so that you can feel safe leaving. You can cross the river of loneliness and huddle on the next lily pad. You lead with the offerings you know every man needs, but the person that this attracts is maybe even worse. They, maybe unlike your original partner feel assertive, dangerous, exciting! You both sneak off together for a while before telling your boyfriend (or worse making sure he finds out) that you've been cheating on him hoping he'll be the one to break you two up instead of needing the courage to deal with it yourself.
Your new "friend" ends up being controlling, and prideful. He enjoys having stolen you from someone, but now doesn't need you or want you. He's already looking for the next catch. The next win to stroke his ego. You, having incorrectly learned that to love is to please, and afraid of not being worthwhile, afraid of being alone, override any other boundaries to keep him interested, or please him. You have, unknowingly, given him control.
Consensual relationships are based on mutual benefit. They are symbiotic, no matter how messed up they might seem. They are based on mutual desire. One party might be seeking control. The other feeling desired. Maybe they're both seeking sexual release. Maybe safety, security, or excitement. Maybe social credit. Maybe fear of having to do the other thing that seems harder...breaking up.
As soon as those benefits are no longer needed, however, the relationship will fall apart. As soon as you don't need them to feel valuable, or don't need them to be the ones to set your boundaries. Or don't need their financial security. Whatever the benefit may be. The relationship will dismantle itself. The control they felt will begin to wane, which will, if they have insecurities of their own, prompt them to become more controlling. It will, if they are witty enough, prompt them to push back on that dial that has kept you both together, or based on your insecurities, find a new one.
Chastity
Sex, unfortunately, is one of those biggest dials when we first start out. It allows us to stay in relationships that aren't actually doing well because it makes us feel good. Sex is so powerful that it can allow two people who don't enjoy time together, to enjoy time together. It also is chemically bonding. Oxytocin, and dopamine are released. If you remember anything about dopamine from System #8: Dopamine Detox, you know it as the "reward molecule."
Oxytocin, on the other hand is known as the "love molecule," it plays a large part in social bonding, attachment and trust. Imagine that, you're actively have neuronal pathways forged that bond, attach, and trust a person that you don't want to be bonded or attached with, or even trust! This is why sex can be so detrimental in finding the right partner.
Trust me, I know. I've stayed in too many relationships for sex. It makes it hard to walk away. Each time you want to, something akin to love makes you want to change your mind and come back together. It's an addiction, not love.
On the other hand, imagine the type of relationship you could have if you set sex as a boundary. Many religions do so until marriage, and admittedly, for good reason. Since it is a chemically bonding act, it makes sense to only do that in the context of a covenant relationship. However, even just holding that boundary for a year, or six months can have drastic impacts on the type of relationships that you create and attract.
Imagine actually enjoying spending time together. Imagine how much distraction you'll need to create to entertain those libidos of yours. You'll need to be out, and active. You'll need to move and experience things together; things that might be more rewarding than the dopamine created by sex. The wonderful thing is that all these experiences will actually allow you to get to know one another. It'll allow you to actually like one another. And it'll make you bond like you do with a good friend. Underlying that friendship, however, will be a barrage of sexual tension. That tension is a good thing, it'll make you want to continue to see one another.
The best part is that, if you stick with it, you'll have learned that you are desirable, and valuable, even while holding your boundaries which sets your relationship up on good footing. It affords people the trust that the other appreciates them above and beyond their looks, or sexual pleasure. Above and beyond your ability to please them. It helps to build a secure attachment style.
Should you, at any point, not feel like it's a good fit. It might be apparent to your partner as well and you can walk away and the breakup will not be nearly as bad as it will have been from a relationship where you were chemically bonded. I even know friends that have abstained from even kissing before their wedding, which I commend them for as it allowed them the ability to bond without any physically induced oxytocin. They got to know one another and enjoyed each other's company as friends before becoming partners.
Giving Up Our Values
Boundaries require a constant input of energy. Just as we've discussed in System #14: Trust is First Given on building a damn, what you attempt to control, controls you. As soon as you stop holding a boundary when something pushes upon it, it doesn't exist. The only thing that makes it exist is you. Your feelings. Your emotions. Your mind. Boundaries need to be strong enough to handle impact to show that they exist. Boundaries, in this way, are attachments. As we've learned in System #19: Embrace Suffering, attachments lead to suffering. If you allow your boundaries to be crossed, you will feel ashamed, disappointed, or resentful toward the perpetrator. You will suffer. If done consistently, this will create the precedent that there is no boundaries there. If the external world doesn't know there's a boundary there, and they cross it, can you blame them? On the other hand, the constant act of defending that boundary will also be a form a suffering or struggle.
Because of both of these facts, that boundaries require energy to maintain, and that boundaries are attachments; it is so much easier to not have a boundary. But since we've already concluded that everything requires boundaries to be alive, it would behoove us to only have boundaries we are ready to uphold. We should only have boundaries that create the life we want.
What are boundaries? We talked about boundaries as standards in job searching or mate searching, but boundaries can be anything that creates a separation between one thing or another. Setting aside time to study, or work, or advance a hobby you wish to turn into a new career. Turning off the work phone after 5pm so that you can build relationships with your kids. Preferring not to be hugged by acquaintances or needing time alone. Not eating [fill in the blank], for whatever reason. Correcting your name when someone says it wrong. Maybe an informational boundary, like sharing about yourself. But above all, boundaries are what we stand for, who we are.
The most important boundaries are the values that we hold. When we cross those boundaries, something dies within us. A core belief gets fractured. If we believe ourselves to be good people, yet find ourselves financially in need, there will come a time where the desire to have money will push directly against our belief in being a good person. We'll have the opportunity to sell our core belief for a monetary gain. If this happens once, you can come back from it, but once you become numb to the suffering, that boundary gets removed. The attachment you once held to being a good person no longer holds and the things you never saw yourself doing before become your new hunting grounds. They fulfill your desires, in this case, for money.
This is a big part of what has happened to our world. People have given up their boundaries, they've given up their values because our desires propel us to. We've sold our souls for money, or approval. We've sold our souls for the things that our souls don't actually need. No wonder we're more depressed than ever. We then seek help from our sick-care industry which gives us momentary relief in the form of pharmaceuticals. Yet another boundary is created that we need to upkeep. If we don't take those pills, we'll feel our pain. Yet that pain was and is just a symptom pointing to the real issue; the lives we're building are not a reflection of our values. They're not a reflection of who we are. And as we've learned in System #9: Circling, once we show our true selves, the ecosystem that was built around us by our previous selves begins to fail. Our world starts to fall apart.
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place.
- Casting Crowns (Be Held)
Out of the ashes comes a gleaming new phoenix; alive and burning with passion. A passion built on rediscovered values. That person creates a division within their worlds. They have things they stand for, and things they stand against. During this metamorphosis, most people will leave, unable to handle the lack of stability this can create in their lives or your relationship. After all, relationships are symbiotic and if you no longer fulfill their desires, there's no use for the relationship. Yet, a select few might stick around. Their desire was to grow with you. They might see that you're actually becoming the person that they initially saw a glimmer of. Hold those people dear.
Lovebombing
Our entire world is built on boundaries. For instance, because of the stability of the earth, we are able to build buildings. Because of the nature of agriculture, we're able to feed ourselves. Because of the meaning of words, we are able to communicate. Our world is built on things standing for something and once you begin to stand for something you allow the world to build off of you. You allow yourself to become a brick in the book of life. It is our default state. Yet growing up, we learn to hide ourselves, to morph ourselves to whatever others might need. To seek their love and approval. It's seen as a sign of growing up. It is essential that we unlearn this skill. It becomes essential that we discover which boundaries we wish to stand for and which we don't. The world is our teacher, especially the bad. If you were raised around people who never tried to encroach on your boundaries, you might not even see the need for them. You would just go along with everyone believing that they want the best for you...and they might, and praise them for it. But your boundaries are being artificially supported externally by them. Once you come face to face with someone whose desires lie on the other side of your boundaries you won't be acquainted with how to hold your ground. You won't have strengthened that muscle. Your body will revolt, you'll feel uncomfortable, but you won't know why. You'll just know that you don't really like being around that person...but what if they're the one who makes you feel desired, valued?
That's why things like "lovebombing" can be so detrimental to a relationship. Lovebombing is the act of being intensely showered with affection, gifts, and promises for the future by another so that you begin to feel or are made to believe that all this is a sign of "love at first sight." It creates an artificial security that overrides boundaries. It makes you feel desired, loved, supported, and cared for. It makes you feel like you can let your guard down, your boundaries down, it's the least you can do right? But, sooner or later, that phase ends, and reality comes back. You overrode your boundaries for lavish gifts, yet now they stopped...and you're still stuck in a relationship that only exists on those overridden boundaries. You feel like if you were to bring them back, it would be out of character, and they've been so nice to you. They've given you so much!
As soon as you do, they begin to get angry, and you can see their point, so you learn to distance yourself from your feelings, from the subtle ways your body tries to talk to you. The more deaf you become, the more resentment breeds. We aim that resentment at our partner instead of seeing how we've been complacent in this coup all along. We've been complacent in given away our power.
Instead, you should try to listen to yourself. If anyone wants to hang out, and you're not feeling it, it's actually respectful to say "no." It means that when you do say "yes," you'll actually really mean it. Imagine this dynamic played out with every micro-interaction that happens within a romantic relationship. Imagine the resentment you've harbored for your partner because of all the subtle boundaries that you haven't spoken, or had the courage to hold. People are not responsible for holding your boundaries for you. If you share them, they can, and should respect them, but they shouldn't need to anticipate them. We shouldn't need to dance around a phantom boundary that neither party actually wanted, or created. If you allow other people to be the keepers of your boundaries, you are giving away your power. They, through mistake or ill intention, will sooner or later cross one or more of those boundaries. When that happens, the world needs you to speak up.
Conclusion
As we said earlier, everything has a boundary. It's a requisite of our 3 dimensional world. The better we get at holding those boundaries the more we get to start to build our lives and aid in the ripples of creation that will expand from you living as your authentic self. It allows us to move away from the people and relationships that drain us, and move towards the people and relationships that empower us and enliven us. You, however, can not do that until you have decided which boundaries you represent and what you're willing to suffer for. Holding your boundaries will be hard, but it surprisingly allows you to attract everything that you actually wanted. If you enter into a relationship insecurely, hoping that the other person will fulfill you, and you are afraid to let them down, you give them the power. You give them YOUR power. You don't allow yourself to act like you feel, because of the fear that you might lose them. Because of the incorrect belief that you've picked up long ago, that you are not good enough. But I'm here to tell you that you are! I'm here to tell that the dreams, and aspirations you've had since you were a kid have been right. You aren't perfect, but every blessing has its curse, and every curse, its blessing. The person that you are IS perfect for the ecosystem that you need to be in. And if you are afraid to disappoint everyone around you, you'll just build up your cage tighter. You'll just control yourself more...to be perfect...perfectly fake. Yet, it builds trust knowing that a person can be mad, irritated, or displeased and it not affecting their love for you.
Not being aligned with ourselves builds a fragile world—a world constructed on lies. Lies are inherently unstable, and when the foundation crumbles, so does everything built upon it. While we are naturally adept at learning from our mistakes, we must also recognize that we are not defined by them—nor are others. People can change. People do change. The pace varies—what might take days for some could take decades for others—but everyone deserves the opportunity to grow.
However, offering this chance doesn’t mean we must always remain present during their transition. Since our perception of others often reflects how we see ourselves, granting others the possibility of change subconsciously grants us the same right. If we allow ourselves the possibility of changing we can finally forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, take on a new mantle and forge a new path. This new path, in alignment with our values and attuned to the subtle wisdom of our bodies, becomes a path worth walking. One that's protected by the necessary boundaries, boundaries that we've trained ourselves to hold. Boundaries that you are willing to suffer for. These boundaries, if held, can serve as our protection. They can allow us to swim against the norm of relational, societal and cultural pressures. They can allow us to finally be guided toward a life of authenticity, and integrity. A life aligned with our purpose.
So I ask you. What's your purpose? Work with me and we can find out together.